


Mermaid Seduction

by paranoid_delusional_valkyrie



Category: British Actor RPF
Genre: Crack, Gen, mermaid, the panda song references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-11
Updated: 2015-03-11
Packaged: 2018-03-17 08:14:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3521969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paranoid_delusional_valkyrie/pseuds/paranoid_delusional_valkyrie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tom encounters a mermaid. Crazy shenanigans ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mermaid Seduction

"Hiii Tom."  
  
"Uh…Hello," Tom said in greeting to what appeared to be a mermaid with long black hair and an orange tail, who also happened to be topless.   
  
She smiled at him seductively, "Why don't you join me? The water feels marvelous."  
  
"Tempting, very tempting, but I must decline."  
  
She pouted, "Why? Don't you want to keep me company?"  
  
"Oh yes, I'd love to, but it's just that I don't want to find out what may be in the water."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Well how do I know that there aren't any sharks in the water?"  
  
"Oh Tom," she cooed, "Don't be silly. The sharks wont harm you as long as I'm here."  
  
"Woman, are you mad?!? Sharks are vicious demons of the sea! Nature has designed the ultimate killing machine in the form of sharks! Sharks use their teeth to cut through bone, candy and fences!"   
  
Confusion was clearly written on the mermaid's face. "What are you even talking about?"   
  
"Woman, do you want to die?!?!? The sharks are coming! They'll rip your arse to shreds!"  
  
"Tom just shut up and get in the water."   
  
"No! The sharks will decimate us!"  
  
"I get it, you don't like sharks."  
  
"Oh no, I fear the majestic beasts with the passion of a thousand suns."  
  
"What is wrong with you?"  
  
"I'm drunk on shark mystery."  
  
Ok just breathe and get him in the water. "Tom, wont you please come protect me from the sharks?"  
  
"Listen to me, you insatiable, aquatic harpy, I don't have time for your half-arsed attempts to seduce me when the threat of a possible shark attack is close at hand!" He said with a crazed look in his eye.  
  
"Darling, just get in the water and I promise you no sharks will bother us."  
  
"You don't understand, sharks can smell fear like dogs and bees."   
  
"Dammit Tom, get in the water NOW."  
  
"Never! You couldn't get me in the water even if you sang 'Under the Sea' to me."  
  
"Oh that does it, Hiddleston you went too far."  
  
"What are you going to do about it, Ariel?"  
  
"BRUCE!!! Dinner is served." And with that a shark jumped out of the water and flopped toward Tom.   
  
"HOLY HELL! The sharks are coming! FLEE FLEANCE FLEE! Once more unto the breech! HIDE UNDER YOUR BEDS!" Tom continued shouting nonsense as he sprinted away from the mermaid and flopping shark, his arms flailing about.   
  
"Ok Bruce, that's enough." The shark flopped back into the water giving the mermaid a wary look as it swam away.   
  
"How was I supposed to know that he had a ridiculously huge fear of sharks? God, I need to get a Tumblr account…I wonder if Benedict Cumberbatch is afraid of sharks…Hmm."  
  
 _Fin_


End file.
